I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
