My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
