I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
