he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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