Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
