2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
