Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize