They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
MIDGETS
????
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
