Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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