She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
My dick has a subreddit
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
