I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
