I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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