my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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