totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize