false alarm. still invincible.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
it's like iHOP with fire
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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