I just cut my nipple shaving
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
