Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
