so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize