would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
