You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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