If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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