i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize