someone owes me an orgasm
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
