this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
