1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
