I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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