trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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