Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
