I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
