if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
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