I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
