So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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