i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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