So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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