I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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