Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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