I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I'm having to shit out rocks
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