my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
