Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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