I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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