I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
two words: eviction party
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
