she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
