just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize