this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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