I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
