Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
