At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
