Im at strip club and am horny
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
