Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize