Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
