I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
