He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
