I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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