Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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