Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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