I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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